I haven’t really given much thought to it, but wow it’s already December. We’re almost done with another year. Wow.
We spent the first half of this year in Balayan and it does feel so long ago. We’ve been living in our current apartment for 5 months already. Time sure flies fast these days. I honestly don’t want to do a year-ender because I don’t want to think about all the plans I made but wasn’t able to accomplish or the things I did but I’m not proud of.
So let’s just think focus the many great reasons why I love December. My father’s birthday is in December; it’s today actually! My other anniversary with the husband is also in December (which we got to celebrate albeit not just by ourselves). December is sweater season. I love how cool air kisses you when you’re out. Christmas is also a reason to be happy about December. The Christmas spirit hasn’t paid me a visit yet but the merriment is still something to look forward to.
In truth, I don’t really know the point of this post I just really wanted to share some photos I’ve taken with a new toy (which the husband insisted on getting for me).
The last time I wrote about my daughter, I think, was a few days after I gave birth. She’s more than a year old now. The house is always filled with her booming voice. The only respite we get is when she’s asleep, but even then sometimes she’d wake up crying and in a matter of minutes she’s back to playing.
Now that I look back at how things have been since we had our daughter, I realize that no matter how many books you read or videos you watch, nothing can fully prepare you for motherhood (or parenthood). Yes, you can be at an age of expected maturity but it doesn’t exactly give the assurance that you’ll be better at raising a child than others (in my opinion, at least). I had my daughter early. I was only 23 and hadn’t (still don’t most of the time) a clue on how to raise a child. I only had hopes that if I love my daughter enough, she’ll feel it and in turn try to be a good person and love other people as well.
It’s not as simple as I thought. I have always been a patient person. But when your child screams and wails for reasons she can’t explain and you don’t understand, the wick of patience gets eaten by dismay. But my daughter has the ability to turn things around, you see. In the midst of my explanation about how she shouldn’t be picking things up only to throw them, she would squint and smile and everything’s forgotten.
I have no clue if it’s bad that I don’t get mad at her for long or that I get swayed easily by her smiles or hugs. But it’s hard to resist, you know? And my heart just swoons whenever she does things nobody teaches her to do. She might grow up thinking that she just can get away with a lot of things by offering hugs and kisses but right now I just really want to savor each one. Perhaps when she’s older she’ll finally understand that you don’t always get what you want in life, no matter how long you cry for it or how loud you scream.
She’s starting to talk a bit clearly now and can take simple instructions. Maybe that’s a good start. I still don’t know, though. Motherhood’s the hardest thing I’ve put myself through and it has no end to it. But I think I can take the challenge, especially when there are hugs and kisses as rewards.
It’s overthinking primetime. My eyes should be closed, my thoughts swimming in my subconscious. But here I am tapping away.
It’s funny how I always display my qualms and frustrations here. I reckon I sound like an angsty teenager or an emo kid with all this blabbering about how difficult life is or has been. But I have it so much better than others. With what happened to the Visayans, there shouldn’t be any room for my complaints or questions.
But it’s overthinking primetime and even when I think I’ve exercised my brain enough the whole day, it just won’t stop.
I keep thinking about what to do for the rest of my life which gives no help whatsoever in contributing to what should be enjoyment for my current situation. I don’t know. For a couple of months now I’ve been trying to arrive at a concrete definition of what I want to be. I thought I’d always want to be a writer. I always thought I had what it takes to write stories that would move people or touch them at the very least. Right now, I can’t say the same. I feel like I’ve been dreaming this whole thing. Like I’ve been trying so hard for so long only to be woken up to the fact that everything I thought I knew about myself in regards to writing is wrong or was never there in the first place. So now, even though I can still call myself a writer because that’s what ai get paid to do, I can’t find it in myself to proclaim my love affair with words. For the first time since I learned that I wanted to be a writer, I feel like I made a mistake. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe there’s something else I could and would excel in. No matter how much writing is a part of me (as evidenced by this post), I think maybe there’s something else meant for me.
I don’t know.
So lately I’ve busied myself with entrepreneurial attempts. I’m enjoying it but I can’t say that it’s the answer to questions about life and careers.
So, I don’t know.
It’s overthinking primetime but I think I’ve also overshared already. Good night from my side of the world. I hope your minds are not as muddled as mine.
Life’s been pretty intense lately. A few things, though:
I miss (trying my hand at) writing fiction. Work has been hectic these days so I can’t squeeze a little portion of my time for some “personal writing.”
The husband finally got to play at a gig again. It’s only his second for this year. Hopefully next year would be better.
My father’s out of the country again.
Our baby’s, well, not a baby anymore and is becoming rowdier as she grows older. There are some occasions when she’s cooperative, though, like when we dressed her up as a witch for Halloween.
My taste in food is becoming simpler as I get older. Must be that I’m getting tired of complicated things. Either that or I’m just getting boring as I age.
Just finished Clash of Kings and starting on Storm of Swords.
Still don’t know what to do with life but I guess it’s alright.
It seems as though the only times I remember to come here and actually share something are days when raindrops pour heavily. But tonight I will not share the gloom that has occupied my life the past few days (or weeks, I prefer not to remember). Instead here’s a playlist of songs that go well with the sound of trickling water.