Calm Thoughts on a Calm Sunday

My muscles are aching, sore. Air won’t come freely into my nostrils. I have no recollection of when I last felt this awful. I rarely get sick. But when I do, it’s almost always life-threatening. While I’m quite certain that what’s agonizing me at the moment is just flu or some viral infection (because our daughter’s sick, too, but has it worse than me), there’s an urge to hibernate for days.

Spent my Saturday at home again. Because, to be honest, my ambition in life is to be a hermit. Alright, maybe that’s not accurate.

Just a while ago, I told my husband that I feel quite content about our lives right now — well, my life, at least. While I get frazzled and frustrated when I think about traveling or owning things every once in a while, I feel alright with what I have and what I’m doing now.

“What happens when those moments [when you want those things] come again?” he asked.

I guess I’ll have an answer when they’re back to haunt me. But right now, I’m alright. And it’s not as though I’m not doing anything or not working towards my/our goals. I am. I’m just at peace with the idea that whatever we’ve been working on will be ours, just not immediately. I’m alright with that.

Time, Timing, Time Out

On Time

For the past couple of weeks, I have been reading and writing entertainment news. I’m still getting the hang of things since it’s different from what I did before. And I’m not exactly a fan of news that appears conversational or those that veer away from the inverted pyramid style. Save for New York Times news articles, which I think are always beautifully written.

Spending half of my days reading and writing about celebrities doing mundane things has got me thinking about time and how we use it.

Some are more than lucky to be spending time on things they absolutely adore. Others seem to be stuck on jobs they hate and wait for time to pass.

In all honesty, there have been many times I told my husband that I would much rather be doing something else with my time. But we don’t all have the privilege of having our passions earn us a living. And there’s nothing wrong about trying to love your job.

It’s alright if it’s not what you wrote on your friend’s slumbook as your “ambition in life” when you were little.

Try to find at least one good thing about something you don’t exactly love but can’t get out of. If it’s next to impossible to do so, make sure that you allot time for things you wouldn’t mind spending n hours on.

While I believe I’m getting the hang of things at my current job, I still daydream about my business attempts a lot.

I think the key is to do well at what you’re supposed to do while continuing to spend time, no matter how little, on what you want. That way, you get to do more. I’m not entirely sure about this idea’s effectiveness, so I’ll let you know if things pan out the way I hope they would.

On Timing

I’ve never been a big fan of the idea of “right timing”. That is until the announcement of Sara Bareilles’ Little Black Dress tour’s Singapore leg. It was made a week or so after I resigned from my previous job.

See, my last job gave us the means to live rather comfortable lives, without needing to think much about what to spend on. But I’ve already mentioned in a previous post that there are things you can’t exchange for monetary gain. (In that case, my sanity).

You can just imagine how off the timing felt for me. If she announced the Singapore leg of her tour months ago, I would’ve been able to afford to finally see her live. Ah, but things happen for a reason, don’t they? And timing, I’ve come to learn, is a bitch.

On Time Out

The good thing about my new job is that I get to choose my hours. But that’s also the bad thing about it. I haven’t been going out a lot. Not that it’s something new, though. I’ve always preferred reading a book at home than going out and be among throngs of strangers. But a wise old lady interviewed by HONY said that something good happens when you push yourself to go out. So I’m going to give it a shot and take breaks and drag my feet out the door. I think I’ve spent too much time worrying about how to make a living, I need to time out.

Endings, Beginnings and All That’s In Between

It’s a bit slow here in the updating department.

I finished two books — #GIRLBOSS and Jackie by Josie — since Fangirl. (Still contemplating whether or not I’ll do reviews on them because a memoir-ish, self-help-like book is difficult to rate or review. And I’m still unsure of what I think of Jackie and Josie.) But I find myself too fidgety to stick to reading for long periods these days.

If I hadn’t given it away in my recent “life update” post, well, here: Today’s my fourth day of unemployment.

I did start on a new job a couple of weeks ago but resigned soon after.

The last couple of days were spent tending the little shop and taking care of the husband who had been sick with the flu (although we’re still uncertain of what it really was).

I’ve attended two virtual interviews and am now anxiously playing the waiting game. I try to avoid thinking about my career (or lack thereof at the moment) as much as I can and focus on trying to accomplish little things.

While putting in dirty clothes in the washer the other day, the thought of being a housewife darted through my mind. It was surprisingly pleasant. But it sadly didn’t last long. My husband is right. While I’ll revel in the idea of becoming a domestic diva, it will last only as long as I finish doing the household chore I was busy with.

This all sounds forced and panicked and jumbled up. At least it clearly reflects how I am right now. But I won’t be stuck in this rut for long, hopefully. I just want some time to figure things out and know for sure what my new beginning will involve.

Will be back when everything’s sorted out. Not that you’ll anticipate it or anything but, yes, that’s the plan.

Not a Big Fan of Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl // Marginalia

fangirl-ftrSad to say, I wasn’t impressed with Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl.

The title sums up my general thoughts about my second Rainbow Rowell read. (Alliterations, ya!) Compared with Eleanor and Park, Fangirl does not impress.

While I don’t consider the two nights I slept late trying to finish this a complete waste of time, I am not ecstatic about it.

I told the husband yesterday morning that I found it unsatisfactory that the story ended the way it did. (I’m trying to avoid giving out spoilers, in case you’re a late bloomer like I am and haven’t gotten around to devouring this yet.) And he said that he likes books that don’t end on a high note, like this one. But I figured it didn’t end in a way I expected it to because the story’s transitions are really slow. It felt like the conflicts are a bit subtle and got cramped near the end of the story. That said, the resolution in the end was rather disappointing.

But it isn’t a stack of non-sense. One thing I appreciate about Rainbow Rowell books is the slight injection of social awareness in them. I particularly liked this line:

These two girls have parents. They have a father. And he should never have to worry that they’re going to end up in a bar, debasing themselves for some pervert who still jerks off to Girls Gone Wild videos. That’s not something a father should ever have to think about.

And that’s perhaps why I like Levi’s character. Now, I don’t have any aversion to Cath’s desire to always be alone and spend most of her time writing fanfiction. But it did kind of seem a bit pathetic how she doesn’t understand why her twin sister wants to establish an identity apart from being a twin. But as usual, Rowell reveals the reason for her protagonists’ weirdness. And it’s due to a rather complicated childhood.

Another point I liked about the book is the one about the twin’s father’s mental condition. Mental health awareness is something I am rather invested in. So I appreciated that Fangirl tackled mental health albeit rather slightly.

And the positive points of the book, for me, end there. Personally, the insertions of Cath’s fanfiction works as she narrated them to Levi would have been omitted or not used as much. It dragged the already slow pace of the story to a lull. So, no I’m not a big fan of Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. Pick it up when you have nothing else on your reading list and would not mind a slow read on a slow day.

Life Lately / 03

I am a ball of nerves. I can hardly grab my thoughts and let them stay. When it rained the other day I asked the Universe to let it be a sign of new beginnings. It did. And now I am a ball of nerves.

It didn’t occur to me that the change I was asking, hoping for would come soon. So sooner than I expected. But the Universe has its ways. And here I am. The question now is not “Do I want it?” but “Can I handle it?” I’d like to believe that yes is a plausible answer. I am terrified, I kid you not. The past year had been comfortable in regard to work. But I know I needed a change. I am more frazzled than excited but only because I have the bad habit of worrying over everything. We’ll get by, though. I’m sure we will.

For now I’d like to not think about what’s ahead and soak myself in the quiet comfort of how life had been these past few days.

 

04

It’s raining almost everyday now. I don’t mind it as much as I used to.

03

 

These are the books I abandoned halfway through but promise to return to once my mind is at a better state.

01

Cooking is still a bit therapeutic. Made this for the second time as requested by the sister. This is called pan fried chicken in rosemary thyme sauce. Or what I would like to call Scarborough Fair chicken.

02

Revisited my childhood through milk powder candy.

05

Taking tiny steps.